 |
A true lover is a person who loves you unconditionally, generally cares about you, helps you in every downside in your journey, treats you as his/her family, and he/she always be there and not judging with physical appearance, financial status and life, he/she will always be beside you holding your hand.
So when you think about a child,a close friend, or a romantic partner, the word "love" probably comes to mind, and instantly other emotions rush in: joy and hope, excitement, trust and security, and yes, sometimessadness and disappointment.
There might not be a word in the dictionary that more of usare connected to than love. Yet, given its central importance in our lives, isn't it interesting that we're neverexplicitly taught how to love?
We build friendships, navigate early romantic relationships, get married and bring babieshome from the hospital with the expectationthat we'll figure it out.
But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love. It can be subtle things like guilting a friend into spending time with you or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school. 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end of unhealthy relationship behaviors and 100 percent of uswill do unhealthy things.
Also see Sleep is your superpower
Also see Sleep is your superpower
It's part of being human. In its worst form,the harm we inflict on loved ones shows up as abuse and violence, and relationship abuse is something that one in three women and one in four men will experience in their lifetime.
Now, if you're like most people,when you hear those stats, you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no,that would never happen to me." It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence," to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else. But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.
We just call them different things and ignore the connection. Abuse sneaks up on usdisguised in unhealthy love. I work for an organization called One Love started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend. This was a tragedy no one saw coming, but when they looked back,they realized the warning signs were there just no one understood what they were seeing. Called crazy or drama or too much drinking, his actions weren't understood to be what they really were, which was clear signs of danger.
Her family realized that if anyonehad been educated about these signs, her death could have been prevented. So today we're on a mission to make sure that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
We have three main goals:
Give all of us a language for talking about a subject that's quite awkward band uncomfortable to discuss; empower a whole front line,namely friends, to help; and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better. To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss, and our work really focuses on creating content to start conversations with young people. As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, given the subject at hand, but today I'm going to useone of our more light-hearted yet still thought-provoking pieces, "The Couplets," to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.
The first is Intensity.
Give all of us a language for talking about a subject that's quite awkward band uncomfortable to discuss; empower a whole front line,namely friends, to help; and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better. To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss, and our work really focuses on creating content to start conversations with young people. As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious, given the subject at hand, but today I'm going to useone of our more light-hearted yet still thought-provoking pieces, "The Couplets," to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.
The first is Intensity.
Story A
Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you. Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove) Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.It feels like a lifetime. What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes? Orange: It's been three minutes.
(#thatsnotlove) narrator: Anybody recognize that?I don't know. I do. Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.
(#thatsnotlove) narrator: Anybody recognize that?I don't know. I do. Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.
They start out exciting and exhilarating. There's an intensityof affection and emotion, a rush. It feels really good. You feel so lucky,like you've hit the jackpot. But in unhealthy love,these feelings shift over time from exciting to overwhelmingand maybe a little bit suffocating.
You feel it in your gut. Maybe it's when yournew boyfriend or girlfriend says "I love you"faster than you were ready for or starts showing up everywhere,texting and calling a lot.
Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond, even though they knowyou had other things going on that day. It's important to remember that it's nothow a relationship starts that matters, it's how it evolves.
It's important in the early daysof a new relationship to pay attention to how you're feeling.
Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy? Do you feel like you have spaceand room to breathe? It's also really importantto start practicing using your voice to talk about your own needs. Are your requests respected?
A second marker is Isolation.
Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond, even though they knowyou had other things going on that day. It's important to remember that it's nothow a relationship starts that matters, it's how it evolves.
It's important in the early daysof a new relationship to pay attention to how you're feeling.
Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy? Do you feel like you have spaceand room to breathe? It's also really importantto start practicing using your voice to talk about your own needs. Are your requests respected?
A second marker is Isolation.
Story B
Orange 2: Want to hang out? Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday. Orange 2: Tomorrow?Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day. Orange 2: Wednesday?Orange 1: No Friends Day. Narrator: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.
Also see Sleep is your superpower
Why? Because every new relationshipstarts out with this intense desire to spend time together, it's easy to miss when something shifts.
Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend starts pulling you away from your friends and family, your support system, and tethering you more tightly to them. They might say things like, "Why do you hang out with them?They're such losers" about your best friends, or, "They want us to break up.They're totally against us" about your family.
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt about everyone fromyour prerelationship life. Healthy love includes independence, two people who love spending time together but who stay connected to the peopleand activities they cared about before. While at first you might spendevery waking minute together, over time maintaining independence is key.
You do this by making plans with friendsand sticking to them and encouraging your partnerto do the same. A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme Jealousy.
Story C
Blue 2:What are you so happy about? Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram! Blue 2: What are you so nervous about? Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere. (#thatsnotlove) Narrator: As the honeymoon period begins to fade, extreme jealousy can creep in. Your partner might become more demanding, needing to know where you areand who you're with all the time, or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.
Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust, frequent accusationsof flirting with other people or cheating, and refusal to listen to youwhen you tell them they have nothing to worry aboutand that you only love them.
Jealousy is a partof any human relationship, but extreme jealousy is different. There's a threatening, desperateand angry edge to it. Love shouldn't feel like this. A fourth marker is Belittling.
Story D
Blue: Wanna hang out?Orange: I gotta study. Blue: You'll get an A anyway,A for amazing. (#thatslove) Blue: Wanna hang out?Orange: I gotta study. Blue: You'll get an F anyway, F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove) Narrator: Yeah, hmm.
In unhealthy love,words are used as weapons. Conversations that used to befun and lighthearted turn mean and embarrassing. Maybe your partner makes fun of youin a way that hurts, or maybe they tell stories and jokesfor laughs at your expense. When you try to explainthat your feelings have been hurt, they shut you downand accuse you of overreacting. "Why are you so sensitive?What's your problem. Give me a break." You are silenced by these words. It seems pretty obvious,but your partner should have your back.
Their words should build you up,not break you down. They should keepyour secrets and be loyal. They should make you feel more confident, not less.
Finally, a fifth marker: Volatility.
Story E
Orange 1:I'd be sad if we broke up. Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove) Orange 1: I'd so depressedif we ever broke up. I'd throw myself off this step. I would! Don't try to stop me! (#thatsnotlove) Narrator: Frequent breakups and makeups,high highs and low lows: as tension rises, so does volatility. Tearful, frustrated fightsfollowed by emotional makeups, hateful and hurtful comments like, "You're worthless,I'm not even sure why I'm with you!" followed quickly by apologiesand promises it will never happen again.
By this point, you've been so conditionedto this relationship roller coaster that you may not realize how unhealthyand maybe even dangerous your relationship has become. It can be really hard to see when unhealthy love turns towards abuse, but it's fair to saythat the more of these markers your relationship might have, the more unhealthy and maybe dangerousyour relationship could be.
And if your instinct isto break up and leave, which is adviceso many of us give our friends when they're in unhealthy relationships, that's not always the best advice.
Time of breakup can bea real trigger for violence. If you fear you might beheaded towards abuse or in abuse, you need to consult with expertsto get the advice on how to leave safely.
But it's not justabout romantic relationships and it's not just about violence. Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you audit and understandnearly every relationship in your life. For the first time, you might understandwhy you're disappointed in a friendship or why every interactionwith a certain family member leaves you discouraged and anxious.
And if your instinct isto break up and leave, which is adviceso many of us give our friends when they're in unhealthy relationships, that's not always the best advice.
Time of breakup can bea real trigger for violence. If you fear you might beheaded towards abuse or in abuse, you need to consult with expertsto get the advice on how to leave safely.
But it's not justabout romantic relationships and it's not just about violence. Understanding the signs of unhealthy love can help you audit and understandnearly every relationship in your life. For the first time, you might understandwhy you're disappointed in a friendship or why every interactionwith a certain family member leaves you discouraged and anxious.
You might even begin to seehow your own intensity and jealousy is causing problemswith colleagues at work. Understanding isthe first step to improving, and while you can't makeevery unhealthy relationship healthy -- some you're goingto have to leave behind -- you can do your part every dayto do relationships better. And here's the exciting news: it's actually not rocket science.
Open communication, mutual respect, kindness, patience -- we can practice these things every day. And while practicewill definitely make you better, I have to promise youit's also not going to make you perfect. I do this for a living and every day I think and talkabout healthy relationships, and still I do unhealthy things. Just the other day as I was tryingto shuttle my four kids out the door amidst quarreling, squabblingand complaints about breakfast, I completely lost it.
With an intentionally angry edge, I screamed, "Everybody just shut up and do what I say! You are the worst! I am going to take awayscreen time and dessert and anything else you could possiblyever enjoy in life!" Anybody been there? Volatility, belittling. My oldest son turned aroundand looked at me, and said, "Mom, that's not love." For a minute, I really wantedto kill him for calling me out. Trust me. But then I gathered myself and I thought, you know what,I'm actually proud. I'm proud that he has a languageto make me pause.
I want all of my kids to understandwhat the bar should be for how they're treated and to have a language and a voiceto use when that bar is not met versus just accepting it.
For too long, we've treatedrelationships as a soft topic, when relationship skillsare one of the most important and hard to build things in life.
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love, but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearlyevery aspect of your life.
I'm completely convinced that while love isan instinct and an emotion, the ability to love betteris a skill we can all build and improve on over time. Thank you.
I got the information from ted talk by Katie hood. Click here for video
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs help you avoid the rabbit hole that leads to unhealthy love, but understanding and practicing the art of being healthy can improve nearlyevery aspect of your life.
I'm completely convinced that while love isan instinct and an emotion, the ability to love betteris a skill we can all build and improve on over time. Thank you.
I got the information from ted talk by Katie hood. Click here for video
